AMBIGUOUS NEWSPAPER HEADLINES WHICH ARE ACCIDENTALLY FUNNY:

Why Doesn't Someone Do Something????

  • Police Alert on Stolen Drugs - Newcastle Chronicle (Naughty police, stealing people’s drugs like that)
  • Rare Flower Found On A Site A Plant, Say Developers – Guardian (Duh, obviously)
  • Lloyds Sell Goldfish to Morgan Stanley For £1bn - Independent (I won mine at the fair, but their’s is a credit card company)
  • MP’s To Take A Close Look At Pornography – Edinburgh Evening (Dirty Politicians)
  • Lord To Decide Future Next Month - Calgary Sun (Not that Lord, silly)
  • Report Shows Need For Paper Cuts – North Wales Weekly News (The best business report on cutting costs…ever)
  • Girl Hit By Car In Hospital – Edinburgh Evening News (They really should ban cars from hospitals)
  • Green Light Given To Nuke Waste Dump – N.W. Evening Mail (To Nuke or To Dump Nuclear Waste, that is the question)
  • Police Grill Murder Suspect – Queensland Times (Now that’s a serious interrogation)
  • Robber Jailed For Shooting Dead Witness – Daily Telegraph (I know some people see dead people, Dead people can see people?)

  • Strikes To Paralyse Travellers – Daily Mirror (Those unions really shouldn’t be hitting people)
  • Footballer On The Mend After Fatal Car Crash – Hendon and Finchley Times ( It’s a miracle)
  • Crash Test Dummy Arms Sold For $50 Million – Guardian (how much did the head go for?)
  • Mayor Attacks Police Watchdog – Edinburgh Evening News (I wish there was a youtube video for that)
  • RSPCA Hit By Guinea Pig Explosion – Bucks Examiner (RSPCA is the Royal Society For The Protection of Animals)
  • Glass Center Visitors Go Through The Roof – Sunderland Echo(I’m glad the glass blowing demonstrations have been so successful, but that sounds painful!)
  • French Youths Speak Their Own Language – USA Today
  • Man In Court Over St Paul’s Death – Independent (Now that is what I call a cold case, I mean, have you ever been in one of those breezy cathedrals)
  • Men Planned To Sell Skunk At World Cup – Accrington Observer (not the drug, you buy 2 you get a free raccoon)
  • Teenager Held Over Shredder – Edinburgh Evening News (that’s a cruel ad unusual punishment)

  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted (Most of them probably should be, but don’t forget to strap them down first)
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case (I’ve heard of small cells, but…)
  • Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms (I didn’t even know there were women mushrooms)
  • Eye Drops off Shelf (Brilliant headline for a product recall)
  • Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim (I don’t think the dog needed any help)
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death (Even the zombies go on strike!)
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (No that is just childish)
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree (Was the reward a bag of fertilizer?)
  • Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies (And the other is alive? That’s the real news!)
  • Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter (That is a ver long shift, or a very clumsy sentence)
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years (Another Zombie Headline?)
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge (I wouldn’t want to be the first to cross that new bridge)
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (very noble, he could have blamed the monkey)
  • . Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (I absolutely do not condone eating children)
  • Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (But if someone volutneers that is a different matter)
  • Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire (an eye for an eye?)
  • British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (that’s one way to improve education)
  • Include your Children When Baking Cookies (more cannibalism!)
  • Passing wind strands BC Ferry passengers (I can just imagine the captain saying “I’m not moving util you guys stop making such a stink!”)
  • Light Turnout Seen at Iraqi Polling Station (You can’t blame them for not going, its hard to vote in the dark)
  • Autos killing 110 a Day; Let’s Resolve to do Better (Aim for 1000!)

  • Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn’t Seen in Years
  • Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing (Another miracle!)
  • Dealers will Hear Car Talk at Noon (And another!)
  • Dr. Ruth to Talk about Sex with Newspaper Editors (I’ve heard she like them)
  • Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984 (Who paid?)
  • Farmer Bill Dies in House (A Bill about farmers or a farmer called bill?)
  • Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy (It’s good to toughen them up a bit)
  • Robber Holds Up Albert’s Hosiery (that’s kind of them)
  • Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
  • Panda Mating Fails – Veterinarian Takes Over (dirty bugger)
  • William Kelly was fed secretary (I wonder if he ate all of her)

And Some More Of The Funniest Ever Newspaper Headlines, Some Stupid and Some Clever

  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says – No Shit Sherlock

  • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands – wtf?
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

  • Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  • War Dims Hope for Peace

  • If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

  • Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • Steals Clock, Faces Time

  • Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
  • Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
  • Man is fatally slain

 

The Best Quote Ever Featured In A Newspaper

  • Superman Quits America – Telegraph
  • Headless Corpse Accused In Court (oh for a comma)
  • Seagulls apply to use racecourse as park and ride

And something A Bit Different: Not a funny headline but a funny story: